Times Have Changed
Thirty or forty years ago, writing this book would have been thought as absurd as writing a "how-to" book for your home office. Of course, there were single women after forty but not enough of them to warrant a book.
Mostly, we felt sorry for them. Usually, the woman was single because she was a widow, something she was expected never to get over. "Poor Jane. She just lost her husband. She's just a shell of her former self." If the woman was divorced, no matter what the circumstances, she often fared worse. Perhaps she had cheated on her husband, had a drinking problem, or was simply a pitiful victim, stupid for having gotten involved with the jerk. And if she was the victim, she ought to look the part, because if she looked happy, confident, and attractive, then she had somehow brought it on herself. "Irreconcilable differences" did not exist as a legitimate reason for breaking up a marriage-whether in a courtroom or just among family and friends.
Someone who was neither divorced nor widowed was also suspect and perhaps an even greater mystery. The labels of bachelor and spinster were dreaded and shameful. You never knew exactly what it was, but certainly, something was very wrong. Either the person was a homosexual, then a horribly frightening curse to be hidden from everyone (why do you think "the closet" was conceived?) or mentally defective (when I was a child, my only unmarried relative was a cousin who was retarded) or probably the worst stigma, just plain unwanted.
In addition to classifying "older" people looking for a relationship as second-class citizens, there was an underlying feeling that love, romance, courtship, and marriage were open only to the young. Even married couples on television or in films were rarely shown as passionate toward each other.
The term single didn't really come into use until the late seventies. Before then, you were either a teenager, a student, or someone who was "dating." After age thirty, none of these "cute" terms applied, so you fell into the category of "un." You were unmarried, which implied unfinished and perhaps unwanted. This was something to be hidden; you were someone of whom to be wary; there definitely was little possibility of regarding the future with a positive outlook.
But, thank God, times have changed! Now more than 40 percent of the adult population is unmarried, and it is considered normal-and in many cases, even enviable-to be forty, fifty, or sixty and single. Unfortunately, however, the stigma of being single has survived and still is very much alive in small pockets of the population. This stigma is primarily concentrated in two locations-your parents and yourself. Your parents I can't deal with. I had a hard enough time dealing with my own. But in Chapter 2, I will talk about how you can eradicate this outdated, unproductive, and bothersome attitude.
My previous books all stemmed from my personal experience, enhanced with the experiences of others who have taken my seminars and classes. Because I was thirty-two when I met my husband, for this book I have relied on research and observation. I must admit I wasn't encouraged when I started out. In fact, at one point I told a close friend, "Here I am, almost fifty, and if something happened to Tony, how would I ever find a fabulous relationship? Any man I'd be interested in would want a thirty-year-old, and you know what? I wouldn't blame him."
Fortunately, from interviewing many women after forty who have found "the best ever" relationships, I have dug my way out of that deep, dark hole. For those of you who would like to do the same, sing hallelujah, this book is for you. I have uncovered their secret to finding true happiness for themselves, including when they are not in a relationship. This book gives you access to that secret and then gives you all the appropriate actions to take to find the relationship of your dreams. Many of these actions can also be found in my book How Not to Stay Single, but they have been revised and updated here to work for women after the age of forty.
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