You get that he's just not that into you, but why?
What really happened when that cute guy never called you back after your date? Why didn't that intriguing man you flirted with online or at the party ask you out? It's an annoying mystery. One minute there was a potential romance happening, and the next? He vanished, inexplicably. If you knew why men reacted in these ways, you could do something about it next time when the right guy comes along.
So Rachel Greenwald did what you're too embarrassed to do yourself. As a renowned dating coach with a Harvard MBA, she applied business savvy to the dating world by conducting in-depth "Exit Interviews" with 1,000 single men, asking them why they hadn't called back after a date or online flirtation. By refusing to accept glib responses such as "There was just no chemistry," she extracted unabashedly honest and raw answers. It turns out that men leave women hanging for clear, consistent reasons. The Top Ten Date-Breakers - revealed here in Greenwald's unique research - are the result of signals that women of all ages send unknowingly, but are easily fixed. Citing true anecdotes and case studies, this book examines the most frequent date-breakers that men confessed, and offers practical advice on how you can avoid them.
Why, Why, Why ... ?
It's the new riddle of the Sphinx: "Why didn't he call me back?" You have a great date with a promising guy. You think it went well and expect to see him again ... but then poof. He vanishes inexplicably. You sit around with your girlfriends and debate why he didn't call you back. What happened in between "I'll pick you up at eight PM" and "poof"? You speculate, you obsess, you rationalize, you justify. You want to know why. When your friends tell you, "It's not you, it's him," you want to know if they're trying to be nice or telling you the truth.
Guess what? There is someone who does know the truth about what really happened on your date. But it's not you. It's not your friends. And it's certainly not your mother. It's the guy you went out with. Which means you'll never know what really happened, right? Wrong. Of course, you'd never dream of asking him yourself because ... well, who would do that? How embarrassing. So I decided to ask him for you! In fact, I asked a thousand hims. I interviewed one thousand guys to find out why you never heard from him again after the first date, or the first few dates. And I got some real answers. It turns out there are clear, consistent reasons why men don't call women back. Sure, sometimes the issue is all his - who hasn't gone out occasionally with a real jerk? But it turns out that many times we're sending out signals we might not be aware of. And the good news is that most of these signals are easy to fine-tune.
Think about this. What if you learned that three out of the last four guys who didn't call you back after a date had the same reason? And that it was something fixable? It might initially hurt your feelings, but it's important to find out the real issue. Especially if it's something that is not an accurate reflection of who you really are. In the early stage of dating, perception is reality. So when the right guy comes along in the future and there's no room for error, you want to be ready.
The Goal Of A First Date
Here's a little multiple-choice quiz?: What's the goal of a first date?
A) To allow a man to discover the real you, or
B) To get him to want a second date with you?
The answer, in my opinion, is B. If your first instinct was to say A, stop and consider something for a moment. No one can accurately assess a person on a first date, no matter how astute they think their instincts are. People behave abnormally (either a little or a lot) on first dates because they're either nervous, cynical, overeager, shy, keeping their guard up, having a bad day, or drinking too much. How many times have you jumped to negative conclusions about somebody new (a coworker or neighbor, for example), only to end up liking that person later? A man cannot really determine on a first date that you are warm, kind, brilliant, interesting, and great at math. What a man can determine on a first date is whether he is attracted to you and intrigued enough by you to want to know the real you. The problem is that he won't meet the real you (and you won't meet the real him) if he doesn't want a second date.
Let me be very clear: the goal here is not to change who you are or to pretend to be someone you're not. If you're a person with friends, interests, a career, you're obviously doing well. The point is not to change any of the qualities that make you, but rather to keep the ball in your court. If more men call you for a second date, you increase your options and your opportunities to choose the man you prefer. If you don't want a second date with him, that's fine - you can politely decline when asked.